By: Katie

Subject: Reply to Sindy

Hi Sindy

I’ll answer both your posts in one go so it may mean flitting backwards and forwards.

I think that we all have our ‘ideal’ partner. If we all found the same things attractive then they’d be no hope for a lot of us! But as the saying goes beauty is more than skin deep.

I sometime look at couples and wonder how they ever ended up together. Wealth, power, wit and intelligence must play a bigger than just looks. Women must now be looking for certain qualities in their partners when deciding if he’ll make ideal husband / father material.

Amongst the rest of the animal kingdom aggression and strength are normally a prerequisite of finding a mate, especially amongst our nearest relatives the apes. Maybe there is some residual primeval urge that sits within all of us to still hanker after a mate that fills these criteria. It’s something that Hollywood and the media still play up to but isn’t real life.

In a modern society just being aggressive and strong will not provide for a family. Wealth and power can offer financial strength and stability. Wit and intelligence can help to navigate the difficulties in a modern society so maybe these characteristics are valued more highly than just aggression and strength.

I have friends who if you didn’t know otherwise you would think they were gay because of their mannerism and attitudes. They have a lot of ‘feminine’ qualities but are still married with kids. I read somewhere that women find the macho aggressive sort attractive during their period but the more feminine type male attractive the rest of the time. I think hormones have a lot to play in the way we act and maybe there is an element of this in why we crossdress.

I can understand you not feeling safe if he’s heels and a dress but if dressing is restricted to home and non-threatening situations then is it really a problem? I belong to a site where there is a guy who is in the army and an ex-cage fighter. Walking to his car one evening alone he got badly beaten by three thugs who didn’t like the way he was dressed. In heels and a dress it is hard to defend yourself no matter what your training is so I guess a lot of crossdressers have sympathy for women feeling threatened when they go out. I for one wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I put my wife in danger because of the way I was dressed. I am still the protector for my wife and family.

It tends to be the overly aggressive and strong men who cause problems for both women and crossdressers. Maybe society would be a nicer place for women if there were more men who didn’t feel it was some primeval right to take advantage.

Femininity is a social construct. As a society we have to label things, which can sometimes cloud our judgment. What makes a ship a he or a she? What make a skirt masculine or feminine? Why is a kilt or sarong masculine? Why is it blue for a boy and pink for a girl? Interestingly up until the 1940s it was the other way round. Society can change its views over time and unless we challenge those views as wrong things will never change. That is both as a collective and an individual. I like to think that my crossdressing makes me pretty tolerant of other people and how they live their lives. I don’t like to judge people just because they want to be alternative and think that we should embrace the different as it makes like and society more interesting.

So going back to your question ‘Is femininity preferable’ I think that many of the traits labeled as ‘feminine’ (compassion, empathy etc) are preferable to some of the worst masculine traits such as brutality.

I do think that women are attracted to clothes that were traditionally classed as masculine. A woman in suits is a quite modern occurrence and I’m sure that your mother never wore a suit when she was your age. A suit is a powerful item of clothing as it brings with it authority. A woman will wear a suit to become the equal of men in a work environment so I do believe that women have adopted ‘masculine’ clothing, as they are attracted to the feeling of power and authority that it gives them. Why can a man not wear ‘feminine’ clothing so that he can adopt some of the qualities associated with them? As you said before wearing dresses and heels does make you feel vulnerable and to a degree it is stepping aside from societies ‘masculine’ responsibilities that gives us a rest from being a man and all that it entails.

I think Davina has already touched on the fact that we tended to start our dressing at a young age. I remember swopping nightclothes with my sister and being told off. I was the one in trouble and not her but I could never work out why, as I was too young. I obviously had an attraction for girl’s clothes and at the time gender identity hadn’t really formed in my head. You’ll have to remember that most of this occurred during the 1970s when there was no Internet and very little information on crossdressing. In fact I don’t think the term ‘crossdresser’ even existed then. I hid my crossdressing because I didn’t want to be told off again and it developed long the same lines as Davina. It was enjoyable for the reasons Davina has already stated and not something you’re really going to openly admit. It did seem weird at the time especially with so little information available; the only reference material I had was a dictionary definition of a Transvestite.

Society is becoming more open to the idea of crossdressers and maybe attitude will slowly change as people realise that we are not some spawn of Satan that is going to corrupt their children.

I genuine believe that being a crossdressers is something that you are born with. It can be suppressed but it can lead to a miserable life if you do. It will still play on your mind and torment you so I think that you are always better giving into the urge for your own sanity.

As I said before I think that hormones have a part to play in the way we are. I read with interest an article on epigenetic. Basically they are genes that can be turned on or off by hormones that occur normally during early development in the womb. Maybe the genes that biological women have that give them a love of ‘femininity’ are also turned on to a degree with crossdressers. Who knows it’s only a theory but I know that the need to crossdress cannot be forced on someone in the same way as you can’t makes some gay.

I don’t think that there is some deep meaning in why we crossdress. It’s just who we are and part of our makeup. I don’t believe that it is a mental thing which is why therapy won’t ‘cure’ crossdressing. It can help someone come to terms with who they are but it won’t stop them from dressing. It can also help to lose some of the guilt that society forces on individuals who do not comply with the rules.

I think that the ‘woman within’ is really a confusion for crossdresser brought about by labels. I don’t know what it ‘feels’ like to be a woman or another man for that matter. I know what it feels like to wear feminine clothes but that’s where the comparison stops. I believe that people confuse being a woman (sex) with being feminine (female) so when the say they feel like a woman what they are really expressing is the feeling of femininity.

For transsexuals I think that that is more of a mental thing. Hating the body you were born in (body dysphoria) is a very powerful force and if that is how you feel then the only way you are ever going to feel satisfied is by getting the body you want no matter about the pain and suffering it ay cause. I think we all have a case of mild body dysphoria (smaller nose, bigger boobs, a six pack) – it’s how plastic surgeon make all their money – but for a transsexual it will completely turn their lives upside down.

I think that the question ‘Do you want a sex change’ is due to fear and misinformation about the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (both now fall under the transgender umbrella). You can learn to live and accept a crossdresser if you can understand the motivations and reasons why. It shouldn’t call into question your own sexual orientation, as he is still a man. But someone wanting to change sex does create a whole new dynamic in a relationship as it is only ever going to be platonic unless you are bi-sexual.

You married your husband for a whole host of reasons, which are still valid. I know that crossdressing wasn’t one of them but it is only a small part of who he is and doesn’t change the person he is or will continue to be. Really it’s no big deal and if you can overcome societies conditioning then it will just be a part of him that you may not like but can accept. I’m sure he has other habit’s you’d like to change but that just won’t happen either!

‘Some boys randomly try on female clothes. The end. Nothing more to it than that’

By: Davina

Subject: Re: C

As always reply in the blog..

Keep em coming.. I hope people are reading this correspondence as we're making giant leaps for mankind and crossdresser kind and women kind lol

By: Sindy

Subject: C

Ok, so I get a few things now. You don't feel cross dressing affects how you see yourself as a man, but in general you think women are more attractive. Femininity is preferable, yes?

Here's an observation - women can separate their very primal attraction to men from the attractiveness of others. I think most of us could easily acknowledge that a beautiful woman is more attractive than an average man. We also don't feel the need to wear men's clothing and look like men despite finding men far more attractive than women.

Why is that, do you think? (And I agree, hairy ape chests are gross lol).

Anyway, I hope I haven't pushed too many buttons. You seemed a little annoyed at the questions this time around. If I'm repeating things, please ignore them. My head over processes so it's possible I'm asking the same thing over and over again!

Good answers otherwise - everythingI know my husband would say.

That said, another observation - crossdressing is still a very big taboo. To this day it's considered weird (wrong or right, it just is), it can draw wrath and humiliation. It's rarely accepted. And yet, this life-defining behaviour often starts so small, with just a pair of moms knickers, and at any point here it could have been stopped. You knew back then that it was weird, so why didn't you? Did you enjoy being a rebel? I do, for the record. I look and act like I belong in the 'normal' life, yet get inside my head and you'll realize that this just isn't the truth. I'm far more interesting than 'normal'. But no one wants interesting.

Did crossdressing make you more interesting?

I guess it's very difficult for me and others to believe you put yourselves through all this taboo for a 'nice feeling'. For an urge. Surely there must be more to it than this? And yet, I absolutely suspect that's part of the general confusion. Everyone has been searching for some deep meaning behind crossdressing and there might not be one. Crossdressers on forums clearly feel obligated to preach about the 'woman within' but I personally think in most cases, she doesn't exist. I think she's a scapegoat for the truth.

The truth is what is written here on this blog. Crossdressing is not always that complicated, despite people like me complicating it! It just is. Some boys randomly try on female clothes. The end. Nothing more to it than that.

Why is it then, that very few can accept this reality??

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Further questions

When I say we love everything about women, it's almost without words? We're drawn to women and every man will have those little things he loves over the others.

Some love women with long sexy legs or nice boobs while others adore Sexy eyes with nice eyeshadow and long lashes or a cheeky lipstick smile... some of us even like women with a personality, sense of humour and some intelligence :)

But I'm sure most straight men could find at least one thing to like about any woman because we just like women in that way. Biology, lol.

Femininity on the other hand is admired as masculine women always in Jeans or trousers and flat shoes can be a turn off for many hetero men.

It hides those things we are drawn to...the femininity of a woman, the shapely body, that weird feeling of wanting to make her feel safe. It's hard to feel these things when she's not wearing heels and a dress lol. So cliche I know. But hey, crossdressers are pretty cliche, too (I agree).

I figure you can understand on some level our love of femininity if you think about how much you love the opposite?

Lol soz

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Further questions

Of course. Ask away :)

And I guess when I say we love everything about men, it's almost without words? We're drawn to men I suppose, and every girl will have those little things she loves over the others. Some love men with strong arms or a six pack while others adore warm eyes or a cheeky smile. But I'm sure most straight women could find at least one thing to like about any guy because we just like men in that way. Damn biology, lol.

Femininity on the other hand can be admired but I think it's a pretty big turn off for many hetero girls. It hides those things we are drawn to...the strong presence of a man, the broader body, that weird feeling of being safe. It's hard to feel these things when he's wearing heels and a dress. So cliche I know. But hey, crossdressers are pretty cliche, too. I figure you can understand on some level our love of masculinity if you think about how much you love the opposite?

Of course, there are women who also love femininity and no one is in a box feeling as everyone else. I'm speaking only for me and those women who might feel the same. We might be in the majority or maybe not? I'd love to hear from some other wives and how they see it all.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Further questions

Brilliant reply Katie as usual..

Have you seen the film "What women Want" with Mel Gibson.. the result is women don't know what they want but they want it anyway.

We differ slightly as if I crossdress it has to be all or nothing I have to have on makeup ad the full thing or I don't bother.. we all differ to a degree

I've added to my blog :)

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Further questions

Hi Sindy

1) Yes and no. How a woman is dressed is part of the attraction amongst other obvious attributes! I wouldn't necessarily dress in the same way as women I find attractive. I will consider my age and physique in deciding what I can wear and what I can't. I will use women as inspiration as to how I dress but I don't think that that is unique to crossdressers. I thought the whole point of models was to inspire people. There are plenty of fashion magazines out there which appeals to this part of our nature.

2) I think that the hoarding is a personal and practical thing and as you say not something unique to crossdressers. I don't think that I have a particularly large wardrobe of either 'male' or 'female' clothes. I have some clothes that are over 20 years old (the first skirt I bought). I think that crossdressers are also affected by fashions and so will try and buy clothes that women are wearing. Again wanting to look fashionable is not unique to crossdressers.

My wardrobe has increased in size since my wife discovered my crossdressing but this is because I don't have to hide the clothes in the same way as before (you can't keep a big wardrobe in a small suit case). I am also a lot more confident about myself as a person and over the last few years I have done a lot or reading on the subject of transgender and crossdressing.

It has helped me to understand that it is part of the person I am and that I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for wanting to dress the way I want.

I think that a lot of crossdressers will go through the 'pink fog' when they can become obsessed with everything to do with crossdressing. Clothes, makeup, wigs. forms etc. This is normally after their secret is out the bag and they suddenly have this huge release of feelings. It is a difficult urge to control but by being practical you can. There is a pleasure in buying a new item of clothing in exactly the same way as I find buying a new tool or gadget. Again this is human nature and nothing unique to crossdressers.

3) I will always try to look my best. I'm under no illusion that I could pass as an attractive woman when I'm dressed. As I said I try and buy clothes that will suit my body shape. Clothes that reduce the appearance of large shoulder (v necklines) and give the impression of a waist and larger hips. The male is typically an inverted V but it is still possible to dress nicely which is what I want to achieve. I've made a few mistakes which have ended up in a charity shop collection. Men who crossdress get very little time to practice so sometimes things are going to look like a disaster. There are dressing services available to men who want crossdress and learn makeup tips etc. To make up a male face to look natural is not easy and takes practice. There is contouring to learn but essentially it's probably the same women. Too much looks awful and I've seen plenty of examples of women who've done too much and just look a complete mess.

I do know that sometimes the pictures you see on the internet can be pretty shocking. I've reeled a couple of times when I've seen what someone has posted on-line. I've never put a picture of myself on-line as I don't feel confident enough in my own abilities.

I should also say that I don't always wear make up and wigs when I dress so essentially I'm looking at a man in a dress. I still feel that the clothes compliment me and it's how I want to look. At the end of the day they are just clothes and I am expressing a feeling.

As Eddies Izzard says ' They're no women clothes their my clothes. I bought them'.

4) I wouldn't call it an obsession but more of a need. It does help to escape the pressures of modern life and I do feel differently when I 'm dressed. If I can't dress for a long period of time I can get a bit moody and short tempered. It's difficult to explain why and I don't really know myself why this should be the case. It's not an addiction in the same way as alcohol, smoking or drugs as you can give up on all those thing and live a normal life. There are plenty of instances of crossdressers going through regular purges where they'll throw away all their clothes etc to try and kick the habit but they invariably return and buy everything again.

I guess to a degree it's the feelings that dressing gives us that makes it so compelling. It does alter your mood for the better and denying it can make life impossible for those around us. I think that there must be a realise of endorphins or the like when we dress that affects our mood and keeps us wanting more.

5) I don't know why I started dressing when I was a kid. All I remember was trying on a pair of my mums knickers that were drying on the airer. From then on I was hooked and it progressed from there in wearing my mum an sisters clothes. It was before my teens so not really anything to do with sex or girlfriends. I never had any problems at school. Had good friends and really an unremarkable childhood. No traumas etc so I don't think that there were any external factors that triggered the dressing.I was quite shy as a child but that nothing unique. I train a kids football team and some of them are extrovert and others are quieter. I don't think all shy kids will end up as crossdressers.

I don't shave wax all my bodily hair. I intensely dislike the odd hairs that seem to sprout up on my back as I grow older. I can't see my back when I'm dressed and it makes no difference to my overall appearance when I'm dressed. My leg hairs have grown sparser as I've grown older and my calves are nearly hairless now. I look more like a patchwork quilt and so would like to make everything uniform by waxing. Maybe it is because I'm a crossdresser, I'll never know, but I just think a hairless body looks cleaner. It's nothing new, the ancient Greeks and Romans used to shave their bodies.

I think I'm a relatively attractive guy. I was never short of female attention when I was younger and still feel attractive to women even now! When I'm dressed in my male clothes I will always try to blend to the occasion - popping down to screw fix to pick you tools or paint I'm happy in my decorating gear, for a business meeting I'm happy to wear my expensive suits. Everyday relaxing is normally a polo shirt and jeans. I'm always clean and hate dirty nails. I try and stay fashionable and attractive for my wife. I don't think I'm prettier when I'm dressed as a woman. I just like the way it makes me feels.

I've always felt that women where more attractive than men. I can look at a man and see why he might be attractive to women but would never want to be with a man. The male body does nothing for me in whatever form it comes.

When you say straight women love the way a man looks what exactly do you mean? I have all the usual male appendages, I wear male clothes, I act as a male 90% of the time, my wife has never seen me dressed, I play sport, drink beer, fart and generally act as a male. My kids see me as their father and male role model. I'm not about to change that to live as a woman as I enjoy my male privileges.

I would be interested to ask you a few questions to see if my comprehension of how women feel is correct. Would that be OK?

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Further questions

More great questions and as I read them the responses pop in my head like lightbulbs going off..

I will respond in a Blog when I have some time available today or tomorrow and sure Katie will chip in at some point and hope others will also respond as the more the merrier.

By: Sindy

Subject: Further questions

Continuing on with the questions answer session lol...

1) Do you dress like the women you are attracted to?

2) Why do many of you hoard huge amounts of women's clothing? Most of you don't dress all the time yet the amount of items that are accumulated seems very excessive. Its a very fetishistic part of the process. And before you answer with 'well women hoard shoes etc...', no, only SOME women do that and I'd suggest they also have a minor fetish. (Remember, fetish is not about sex - it's about the power an object or behavior is perceived to have over a person) Whereas I'd bet MOST crossdressers are obsessed with collecting women's items. Am I wrong?

3) Do you think you see yourselves clearly? I see a lot of men who think they look a lot prettier when dressed than an outside observer might think. Is the 'woman' in the mirror seen objectively? Or do you think she's clouded with the fantasy image you might have? I wonder this because some of the photos out there show there's some delusion happening. I wonder what the wives are thinking when their husband thinks he's the prettiest girl in town when really he looks like a clown. I hate to say it like that, but I don't sugar coat at you know. Any thoughts?

4) Do you think crossdressers become more obsessed with dressing when life is difficult/dull/busy etc? There does seem a pattern where young men in the carefree days of their life can crossdress very rarely and balance their lives well, then they hit middle age with mortgages and kids and slowly they disappear into their own little world where they imagine they're a pretty girl. I'm no shrink, but even a layman can see there's a form of escapism and self-soothing happening here. In fact, a lot of crossdressing behavior strikes me as a form of self-therapy. Maybe that's why many say they don't need a therapist?

5) I guess that should really be a separate question - is crossdressing a form of therapy you discovered as a kid? Was it a distraction from other things? And when I say other things, I don't mean necessarily big issues like abuse - I mean shyness, school woes, fear of monsters under the bed or any other minor kid issue. All kids have issues; it's part of growing up. Is crossdressing also a coping mechanism?

And interesting post on the Brillo pad chest hair lol. I still think there's a bias toward disliking it if you crossdress. I'm sure this was more noticeable in the seventies when men were hairy beasts and a shaved crossdresser would have stood out like a sore boob. But hey, ultimately it's your body and hair and men can do what they like. I think the wives just want honesty about it. Admit you're shaving because you look better in a dress and not because you're metrosexual. I just can't buy that as a reason.

Which taps on another feeling I've had about it, and that's crossdressers clearly don't see themselves the way other men see themselves. Other men think they look attractive as men. Crossdressers have an odd idea that they look more attractive as women. It's a self perception glitch because the reality is hardly ever the case. In fact, Joe Public is often confused because they can't understand why an otherwise attractive person would choose to make themselves less attractive, by crossdressing. It's incomprehensible, literally.

Because only a crossdresser can ever truly know. This is also reality. I can ask the questions, but ultimately I'll never feel what you feel, will I? But your explanations certainly bridge the gap enough to sympathize with it all.

I guess that was question 6, wasn't it? Did you grow up not feeling attractive as a boy? Or thinking girls were more attractive than boys? If so, do you still think this way? For the record, straight women LOVE the way men look. All of it, even that damn chest hair lol.

Sindy Jiggler over and out. :)

By: Katie

Subject: Re: More questions

Hi

I hope that Davina doesn’t mind me hijacking your conversation but I thought that it would help to have the input of another crossdresser. The answers I give are from my point of view and you may get a different response from others. including Davina. Crossdressers are varied bunch and tend to reflect society as a whole so there’s no one size fits all answer.

1) Why shouldn’t we want to go out in public? The reason many don’t is that society is not accepting of crossdressers and the attention we get is not always positive. Assaults on crossdressers are quite common and much of the attention can be quite hostile. Most crossdressers who do go out try to ‘blend’ so that they go unnoticed. Those who don’t are the ones who tend to end up in trouble. Dressing sexily to go to the shops is going to draw attention! Most of the time going out dressed is a validation that what you are doing is OK. It is really a problem with society that anyone who doesn’t toe the line is considered a freak and fair game for physical and verbal abuse. Those who do go out are the vanguard and are trying to make crossdressing a mainstream idea. It wasn’t so long ago that a gay couple couldn’t walk down the road hand in hand but it is quite commonplace now. People ideas and perceptions change and it is only those early pioneers who make it possible. As a woman you are able to wear whatever you like outside the house and not expect any trouble, men can’t. I’m sure that when you go out the house, dressed as a woman, you don’t expect unwanted attention from men. Unfortunately society again dictates what you can and can’t wear, the phrase ‘she was asking for it wearing those clothes’ is a shocking indictment on societies views and men in particular. Shouldn’t you and everybody else be able to wear what they like without being judged?

2) I won’t tell my kids unless necessary, especially when they are young and still at school. Keeping crossdressing a secret is a burden that we have and unless society changes it views it will remain that way. It is a burden that many of us have had since early childhood and not something I’d wish on my children. Quite often this burden is a reason why we do not tell our wives and partners.

3) There are plenty of theories as to why men crossdress. There is no evidence that a traumatic childhood or lack of a father figure has anything to do with the urge to crossdress. My own childhood was pretty unremarkable. I came from a loving home with both parents. Personally I favour the epigenetics theory, whereby genes can be turned on and off.

4) I don’t envy women. Personally I think you have a tough lot. Gender inequality really bugs me and I have privileges as a man that you do not get. I think a better way of expressing it would be admiration. There are certain ‘feminine’ qualities that if we all had would make the world a better place. I think a lot of the picture showing has to do with validation. Most comments tend to be supportive and it is human nature to want to receive compliments. For me the dressing experience is trying my best to look good in the clothes I like. I’m sure it’s the same for women all over the world who see a model in the clothes and imagine how they’d feel / look wearing them. I guess I feel the same pressure to look good in the clothes as a woman feels. I’s not about being better it’s about feeling good about yourself.

I hope that that answers a few of your questions. As I said it’s a personal point of view and we are different.