By: Katie

Subject: Reply to Sindy

Hi Sindy

I’ll answer both your posts in one go so it may mean flitting backwards and forwards.

I think that we all have our ‘ideal’ partner. If we all found the same things attractive then they’d be no hope for a lot of us! But as the saying goes beauty is more than skin deep.

I sometime look at couples and wonder how they ever ended up together. Wealth, power, wit and intelligence must play a bigger than just looks. Women must now be looking for certain qualities in their partners when deciding if he’ll make ideal husband / father material.

Amongst the rest of the animal kingdom aggression and strength are normally a prerequisite of finding a mate, especially amongst our nearest relatives the apes. Maybe there is some residual primeval urge that sits within all of us to still hanker after a mate that fills these criteria. It’s something that Hollywood and the media still play up to but isn’t real life.

In a modern society just being aggressive and strong will not provide for a family. Wealth and power can offer financial strength and stability. Wit and intelligence can help to navigate the difficulties in a modern society so maybe these characteristics are valued more highly than just aggression and strength.

I have friends who if you didn’t know otherwise you would think they were gay because of their mannerism and attitudes. They have a lot of ‘feminine’ qualities but are still married with kids. I read somewhere that women find the macho aggressive sort attractive during their period but the more feminine type male attractive the rest of the time. I think hormones have a lot to play in the way we act and maybe there is an element of this in why we crossdress.

I can understand you not feeling safe if he’s heels and a dress but if dressing is restricted to home and non-threatening situations then is it really a problem? I belong to a site where there is a guy who is in the army and an ex-cage fighter. Walking to his car one evening alone he got badly beaten by three thugs who didn’t like the way he was dressed. In heels and a dress it is hard to defend yourself no matter what your training is so I guess a lot of crossdressers have sympathy for women feeling threatened when they go out. I for one wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I put my wife in danger because of the way I was dressed. I am still the protector for my wife and family.

It tends to be the overly aggressive and strong men who cause problems for both women and crossdressers. Maybe society would be a nicer place for women if there were more men who didn’t feel it was some primeval right to take advantage.

Femininity is a social construct. As a society we have to label things, which can sometimes cloud our judgment. What makes a ship a he or a she? What make a skirt masculine or feminine? Why is a kilt or sarong masculine? Why is it blue for a boy and pink for a girl? Interestingly up until the 1940s it was the other way round. Society can change its views over time and unless we challenge those views as wrong things will never change. That is both as a collective and an individual. I like to think that my crossdressing makes me pretty tolerant of other people and how they live their lives. I don’t like to judge people just because they want to be alternative and think that we should embrace the different as it makes like and society more interesting.

So going back to your question ‘Is femininity preferable’ I think that many of the traits labeled as ‘feminine’ (compassion, empathy etc) are preferable to some of the worst masculine traits such as brutality.

I do think that women are attracted to clothes that were traditionally classed as masculine. A woman in suits is a quite modern occurrence and I’m sure that your mother never wore a suit when she was your age. A suit is a powerful item of clothing as it brings with it authority. A woman will wear a suit to become the equal of men in a work environment so I do believe that women have adopted ‘masculine’ clothing, as they are attracted to the feeling of power and authority that it gives them. Why can a man not wear ‘feminine’ clothing so that he can adopt some of the qualities associated with them? As you said before wearing dresses and heels does make you feel vulnerable and to a degree it is stepping aside from societies ‘masculine’ responsibilities that gives us a rest from being a man and all that it entails.

I think Davina has already touched on the fact that we tended to start our dressing at a young age. I remember swopping nightclothes with my sister and being told off. I was the one in trouble and not her but I could never work out why, as I was too young. I obviously had an attraction for girl’s clothes and at the time gender identity hadn’t really formed in my head. You’ll have to remember that most of this occurred during the 1970s when there was no Internet and very little information on crossdressing. In fact I don’t think the term ‘crossdresser’ even existed then. I hid my crossdressing because I didn’t want to be told off again and it developed long the same lines as Davina. It was enjoyable for the reasons Davina has already stated and not something you’re really going to openly admit. It did seem weird at the time especially with so little information available; the only reference material I had was a dictionary definition of a Transvestite.

Society is becoming more open to the idea of crossdressers and maybe attitude will slowly change as people realise that we are not some spawn of Satan that is going to corrupt their children.

I genuine believe that being a crossdressers is something that you are born with. It can be suppressed but it can lead to a miserable life if you do. It will still play on your mind and torment you so I think that you are always better giving into the urge for your own sanity.

As I said before I think that hormones have a part to play in the way we are. I read with interest an article on epigenetic. Basically they are genes that can be turned on or off by hormones that occur normally during early development in the womb. Maybe the genes that biological women have that give them a love of ‘femininity’ are also turned on to a degree with crossdressers. Who knows it’s only a theory but I know that the need to crossdress cannot be forced on someone in the same way as you can’t makes some gay.

I don’t think that there is some deep meaning in why we crossdress. It’s just who we are and part of our makeup. I don’t believe that it is a mental thing which is why therapy won’t ‘cure’ crossdressing. It can help someone come to terms with who they are but it won’t stop them from dressing. It can also help to lose some of the guilt that society forces on individuals who do not comply with the rules.

I think that the ‘woman within’ is really a confusion for crossdresser brought about by labels. I don’t know what it ‘feels’ like to be a woman or another man for that matter. I know what it feels like to wear feminine clothes but that’s where the comparison stops. I believe that people confuse being a woman (sex) with being feminine (female) so when the say they feel like a woman what they are really expressing is the feeling of femininity.

For transsexuals I think that that is more of a mental thing. Hating the body you were born in (body dysphoria) is a very powerful force and if that is how you feel then the only way you are ever going to feel satisfied is by getting the body you want no matter about the pain and suffering it ay cause. I think we all have a case of mild body dysphoria (smaller nose, bigger boobs, a six pack) – it’s how plastic surgeon make all their money – but for a transsexual it will completely turn their lives upside down.

I think that the question ‘Do you want a sex change’ is due to fear and misinformation about the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (both now fall under the transgender umbrella). You can learn to live and accept a crossdresser if you can understand the motivations and reasons why. It shouldn’t call into question your own sexual orientation, as he is still a man. But someone wanting to change sex does create a whole new dynamic in a relationship as it is only ever going to be platonic unless you are bi-sexual.

You married your husband for a whole host of reasons, which are still valid. I know that crossdressing wasn’t one of them but it is only a small part of who he is and doesn’t change the person he is or will continue to be. Really it’s no big deal and if you can overcome societies conditioning then it will just be a part of him that you may not like but can accept. I’m sure he has other habit’s you’d like to change but that just won’t happen either!

‘Some boys randomly try on female clothes. The end. Nothing more to it than that’