My previous comment on the other thread about being 'outed' reminded me of a question, and some advise, that I've been meaning to ask you guys. Given crossdressing isn't casual conversation yet, and society is still cruel to those who step into 'taboo' areas, do you think you'll be able to keep this hidden from your kids and friends and family and take this to the grave with you? Or do you plan on 'outing' yourselves one day so you can be less secretive about it? I think my husband would cope if everyone know but I also think he'd be mortified. The sad thing is, once you're 'outed' as a crossdresser, that is all you become. People are not very good at seeing past taboo to all the other things that you are. So father/brother/hard worker/cricket coach/alpha male or whatever, all that disappears and you become known only as 'that crossdresser guy'. I have seen this happen to people for other issues, (mental illness is sadly equally taboo) but it does happen. Our generation sucks. :-(
So, what's the long term plan? And do you know what your wives might do if you did out yourself at large? I suspect, and this pains me to say, that my marriage would end. Not because I would think he's a bad guy, but because a situation like that would misrepresent me even more than him. I have a real issue with being defined by other people (stems back to childhood stuff so it's pretty innate) and being forever referred to as the wife of 'the crossdresser' would send me over the deep end. My husband actually knows this and understands why, and he even says if he's silly enough to get outed that he does know the ramifications and he accepts them. Fair enough, he is doing his best to keep it hidden, and we've communicated about it. What more can we do? But do you guys have any suggestions or plans yourselves to keep this hidden until you meet your maker?
Hahaha! I'd have to agree there. Most favoured costume for ALL men seems to be a frock and wig. Seems there is something in that...and seems the main difference between a crossdresser and every other man is a stronger desire to cross the line. Unless it's halloween, and then there are so many men dressed as women roaming the streets, crossdressers only stand out because their wig and make up look good lol!.
I don't know if this wife approved or not. I was just trying to demonstrate that the other woman felt sympathy for her and not ridicule. She was not blamed for her husbands behaviour and was treated as an individual.
The funny thing was that the conversation took place at the village panto where half the men were dressed in frocks camping it up. I'm sure that most men secretly want to wear a dress!
Katie
Good article Katie and sums up what I've always thought - kids just don't NEED to know about occasional crossdressing. Or occasional bondage usage. Or occasional vibrator purchases lol. They won't thank us for the information, and given no one here wants to prance about in a dress in front of them (I assume!) then there is literally no benefit to their knowing. So at least we are validated about this part!
And gosh, I also feel sorry for the woman you mentioned, Katie. If she doesn't approve of her husbands activities (as you've suggested) then she must be in a living hell being married to the 'town tranny'. I really, really worry about women like her. Especially if she is attractive and nice as mentioned and surely had other options - is she financially stuck with him? Does she have a support network? I used to chat to women who dealt with a LOT LESS than this woman and suicide was thrown around. How cruel to put her through this. I often wonder why these men wait until they're married to do such things. I think there should be laws protecting spouses from such major identity shifts as public coming out and presenting as a woman. It Isn't really fair to expect a woman to live a life of misery just so he can do whatever he likes. He should have offered an amicable divorce and support, at the very least. And he shouldn't have been allowed to get married under such false pretences - and yes, switching gender presentation is a HUGE lie. Why oh why do men do this over and over again?
Argh...makes me so mad, as you can see! Luckily for you lot, you're not like these selfish guys. And they ARE selfish. These are identity issues that should have been figured out WELL before marriage and kids. Of course, she could also LOVE being the wife of the town tranny but I'd bet otherwise. Give me her number Katie, and I'll call and check she's okay! lol.
Okay, moving on from that (I think I need a Valium to recover) I like both comments about keeping it secret. I agree, Katie, that most people would give me sympathy if my husband were 'outed'. And I don't mean like the dude above and he's now the town tranny! I mean Chinese whispers and suddenly everyone knows without seeing anything. I guess he could deny, deny, deny, which I would encourage! And my friends would definitely be mad at him for putting me through it. If it keeps hovering around us I suspect our marriage would collapse but that's another issue entirely. I think denial might work as it's such a weird thing to hear about another person that if you didn't know better, I think you wouldn't believe it. Hardly anyone ever sees a crossdresser in the wild so I reckon most people don't even know you exist!
I also like the idea that we could tell the kids the stuff is mine. I guess that's the one benefit to you guys dressing like women and not babies or cats haha. Female paraphernalia can always be the wifes. Though, I am rather amply endowed already so not quite sure what I'd be doing with a pair of stick on boobs! lol. Another wife I once chatted to said she gave a note to her husband to put in with his stash, and it basically said 'if you have found these items - your father was the kinky one, not me'. Cracked me up. Perhaps making light of it is the way to go? I think teenage or adult children stumbling upon some 'kinky' items would quickly look away and pretend it never happened! At least then there don't need to be any awkward conversations and explanations - unless you want them! My husband, the man of few words, would probably not!
Ah, I do feel better about it. Especially hearing neither of you wants to be discovered either. I guess those that do, who head out the front door and spend their lives seen by everyone have a very different motivation to you. Because I can't see how doing that would be relaxing or fun or anything other than stressful and rather scary. Even in a polite town, I imagine your freak flag would be flying very high. To be seen that way every day, well, there must be more motivation behind it than it's fun and relaxing. I'm guessing the male identity no longer represents them so the motivation is more gender than pasttime.
Hmmm...still makes me feel sick for that poor woman...
Thought this article was relevant about telling the kids
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jul/01/how-much-do-your-kids-really-need-to-know-about-your-sex-life
Given crossdressing isn't casual conversation yet, and society is still cruel to those who step into 'taboo' areas, do you think you'll be able to keep this hidden from your kids and friends and family and take this to the grave with you?
Yes although no contingency plan but if somethng happened and people found my clothes up the attic theyd assume they were my wifes … theyd find the wigs and assume they were my wifes some dressing up fun and even finding the fake Dds I still dont think theyd put 2 and 2 together and think OMG he was a crossdresser… no on would think I crossdress.
Or do you plan on 'outing' yourselves one day so you can be less secretive about it?
No never want to do this
I think my husband would cope if everyone know but I also think he'd be mortified.
Id not be mortified but then as I mentioned in the other thread it would be nice to have that serious chat about crossdressing and I guess this would force me to have a serious chat and attempt to explain why I do it to the wider audience
The sad thing is, once you're 'outed' as a crossdresser, that is all you become.
Again communication would be key especially if you can make it a “So what”
So, what's the long term plan?
I think at some point when I cant look the part it will stop and all the stuff will go in the bin and thats the end of that
And do you know what your wives might do if you did out yourself at large?
Not be happy I suspect as like you say a situation like that would misrepresent the wife and she’d have to explain her self also.
But do you guys have any suggestions or plans yourselves to keep this hidden until you meet your maker?
Not really other than doing it behind closed doors and curtains or miles from home lol and if someone found out I’d have some explaining to do
I think that the biggest dilemma most crossdressing men face is about telling their partner. This is what causes the most angst and deliberation and the amount of posts that appear on forums on the subject just show how much we consider it.
It goes back to the post I did about why we feel compelled to tell. https://cdtra007.wixsite.com/whydomencrossdress/forum/why-do-men-crossdress/confessing-that-we-crossdress
For some reason there are fewer posts about telling the kids or friends and family. It is the special bond that exists between partners that creates this dilemma.
So in answer to your question I don't have a compulsion to tell anyone else - not the kids, not my family and not my friends. As far as I'm concerned I'll be buried in a suit and not a dress!
It doesn't stop me fantasising about going out in public but that'd be a long way away where no one could possible recognise me.
If for any reason it went public then I'd have to live with it. I'm not sure that a wife will get tarred with the same brush. I once overheard a conversation about a husband who walked around the local village dressed as a woman. The gist was the person felt sorry for the wife as she was so nice and attractive. It may have been different if she'd supported her husband though!
Katie