So I've had covid and although double jabbed it put me in hospital on oxygen attacking my lungs and now i'm led here bored and lacking energy a week on the sick from work.. 2nd week on the sick having not been sick and off work in the last 20 years.
I've been watching morning TV and This morning etc led here recuperating and also chatting to other t girls and RGs in TV Chix.
Giving life and things a lot of thought over the last 2 weeks my conclusion on crossdressing is why did i spend so many years worrying about it? It's dressing up for me makes me feel different, its escapism from my male life and it can be fun putting on makeup transforming yourself from man to what you hope looks as much like a woman as possible, i(a good wig and the right style is important) ts the feel of tights and heels and how they shape your legs, the feel of sexy lingerie and a dress and all the fun you can have with different dresses, different wigs, looks, makeup, blouses, boots, skirts .. did i mention i find trying all this stuff on fun? and at times it makes me feel sexy..
How is it fun i bet women will ask? hang on surely women off shopping and trying things on find it fun?
I'm led here and can't dress as Esme (wife) doesn't want the kids to know I crossdress and for good reason such as doesn't want their image of me their father to be misconstrued, how they'd think maybe i'm weak or a pervert or whatever they'd think, maybe nothing and also the risk they tell friends and the secret's out and an opinion of myself and of Esme herself formed by other kids sniggering and then parents etc etc as It isn't normal is it no matter how much I try to normalise it in general society crossdressing isn't a normal thing to do especially going full hog wig makeup aiming to pass to look like a woman etc.
That trans spectrum from trying on knickers to makeup and trying to look "real" (maybe I'll try to draw out a diagram of this in terms of my journey to my current end point as don't intend travelling further right)
So the kids can't know so I'm in drab recovering instead of sat / led here crossdressed. Would it enhance my recovery if i was crossdressed? who knows but it is theraputic.
I've not dressed since the first week of September and I've made excuse after excuse from still having that guilt of what Esme will think that I've worked from home crossdressed (this is stupid she will tell me) to I need to keep my stubble for manly reasons to I have a video call and I've got to be on cam so i can't dress.
I don't always have to be on cam.
I've made excuses to myself not to dress despite wanting to dress and needing to dress to unwind from stress of work.
I have decided in all this covid illness that I will dress from home more sod it its beneficial to my 'mental health' and Esme is ok with me dressing so why do i still have that bit of guilt for dressing .... just me being stupid.
Part of it is lack of quality time dressed, no hope of a night in as Davina just a few stolen hours when working from home maybe working from home dressed is not enough? it will have to do but it's over in a flash.
What I'm craving is to get all Davinas dresses down and try different looks and also have a good sort out of them all 50+ dresses needs a good sort out and would be nice to see Esme at the same time have a try on of her things and mine as love seeing her in a dress, skirt, heels etc.. Opportunity to have a girly night in is lacking.. Her sister would have the kids but what do we say "We need a night in together" kids be like we're not going anywhere we don't need baby sitting. Getting to that age.
Something else I thought of when ill in hospital is "I need to lessen my macho bullshit", I am macho, I'm thought of highly I suppose as a man, a professional, a coach, a father, a husband and a person and don't need to put on the additional macho front. I'm always right and I have a bad habit of cutting to the point and talking over people "this i have to stop"... my mind is saying you're wasting time you're going off on a tangent i have the answer here it is and I talk over people.. That has to be annoying shutting people down but its impatience and "I'm always right" .. I will make a conscious decision not to do this especially in work.
It's a ridiculous thing that we hide our emotions and that has to stop us men are doing ourselves no favours.
I thought I want to go home from hospital and hug my wife and kids and then I thought I think if I do that I'll cry (and i don't cry) as made me feel emotional to think of hugging them all after a health scare.. What sort of idiot denies himself a massive family hug as he doesn't want to be seen as having a tear run down his face.. Why do we condition ourselves as men like this?
So summing up
- I need to work less hours, that's a given.
- I need to take my foot off the accelerator in work,
- I need to show more positive emotions and not bottle up stress and angst
- I need to give others a chance to find solutions and ideas
- I must diet and get fit again and feel better about myself
- Seeing as it does help i need to stop making excuses to myself not to crossdress as very soon with my oldest doing GCSEs opportunity even to dress working from home will dissapear.
I'm a crossdresser, it's fun and harmless and all the angst about dressing and telling my wife and worrying about her worrying about crossdressing etc is all a waste of time.. It's harmless, it's fun and it's fun we can have together, a shared joke and shared knowledge when someone says omg you're such an alpha male lol yes one who loves stockings and high heels and makeup and dresses to unwind and relax.
I suppose I'm in a better position than most with Esme knowing and accepting me as a Crossdresser.
I wish more wives would be as open minded about this phenomenon as it causes far too much fear and angst among the crossdresser and their other half and it's needless.. there is more in life we worry about.. crossdressing shouldn't be one of points to worry about as it's merely a construct of society it's just clothing, makeup and an image something someone says isn't normal (I said that myself).
It's harmless and can be beneficial to the mental health of men somehow.. don't worry about the why and trust me it works.
Davina
It's getting better i think Cara in terms of my work for example having a better LGBTQ presence and Diversity and Inclusion training but does that really include the occasional Crossdresser?
Mainly in work the concentration and those running the LGBTQ "society" in work are Gay and that's probably their only interest. One guys even got an MBE out of it.
It is something that bugs me to an extent as I work hard at my job but seems this guys turned his job into some form of LGBTQ champion "for a living" within the business and bet he's not give a stuff about this Engineer working from home being a crossdresser..
I think the LGBTQ people in work would embrace anyone who declares themselves "Truly Trans" but the jury is out for me if I was to declare myself a "Crossdresser" stating when I work from home I may wish to present as "Davina"
There is nothing stopping me doing it in reality apart from like you've said myself as a CD or TV would be detrimental to how people view me as a person.. Sad I know but my work persona doesn't afford for me being Davina
I feel the same, I'm out to Esme as "Davina" and despite having come out to her being a crossdresser is still imprisonment within 4 walls and I / We feel I still need to conform to societal 'expectation' - And I agree its mostly due to when, where and how we all grew up, how we were brought up and what our parents, friends, peers etc expect.
My world is black and white in terms of how i appear... I appear 100& manly, I give no hints of any femininity in my male appearance.
As I've said we've been out in public me dressed miles from home (London) but I'd not chance being Davina close to home where my crossdressing may be discovered.
Kids wise you're right how would they really react? would they tell friends? would friends tell other friends and parents? would it become a joke? would they think you're a pervert? It's just an awkward situation to then have to manage if the "secret" got out.
Would it be weird for their dad to be crossdressing even though it would be perfectly acceptable for somebody else's dad to do so? That's right the same as lots of RGs I've chatted to on TVChix and elsewhere anon on line "Your hubby can crossdress that's cool but not mine"
Esme's best friend told us that her BF crossdressed (He was my best man when we got married but I've never broached the subject of crossdressing with him and never will)
"He put on my stockings and sexy lingerie and wanted sex" and she told it in an "Ewwwww" kind of way direct peer review from Eseme's best friend of her BF crossdressing... so for me
Esme can see I'm not alone other men crossdress too
Her friends reaction was one of disgust so how does that affect Esmes thoughts on me crossdressing?
Same best friend and weird the other day I had a dream she found out I was a crossdresser and we had a girly night in with me dressed and in that dream she actually said "wow you look amazing you make for a good looking woman but id not be happy if it was my husband".. This I remember which is unusual for a dream but was also the moment I woke from the dream.
I actually think that Esmes best friend would be shocked but also would be fine meeting Davina.
I actually joked with Esmes friends once out for a drink me the only hubby out that I was a tgirl and they played on me in the knowledge they didn't believe a word of it, culminating in at the end of the night "You're so funny as If you'd Crossdress"Davina"" and nothing's ever been said about it since.
Esme was .not happy me outing myself to them and called me a "smart Arse" knowing they'd not believe I was a T girl. It was fun telling them the truth knowing they didn't believe me.
In my head the answer is I crossdress "so what it's harmless lets have fun with it", how much fun we have with me being a crossdresser is at the Mercy of Esme and how accepting, accommodating and involved she want's to be knowing it's just a bit of fun for me..
I'm not running off with men, don't want to be a full time trans woman, It's an unimportant important part of me something I enjoy and helps with my mental health...
That in itself is a big thing for me to admit "a weakness" I need something to enhance my mental health.
The thing i need to answer for her is Crossdressing helps my mental health what can we do to help hers?
Davina
It's a strange dilemma Davina, and I completely understand it. Although I've never considered myself an 'Alpha Male', I've always worked in environments where revealing myself as a CD or TV would have been detrimental (I remember the howls of outrage, disgust and derision when a co-worker saw the cover of the NME I was reading which featured some member of a rock band in a dress and fishnets!).
Despite having come out to my partner, I still feel that I need to conform to societal 'expectation' - probably mostly due to when, where and how I grew up. I do now sometimes dress in female clothing when I go out, albeit leggings or girls' tight jeans and tops (despite my gf telling me I should dress how I wish!) but wouldn't feel comfortable going any further 'going all the way' anywhere near where we live. I didn't dress at home when there were kids at home (and don't when they are visiting) even though I suspect that they would be totally cool with it - or would they? Would it be weird for their dad to be crossdressing even though it would be perfectly acceptable for somebody else's dad to do so?
Sometimes, even when you think you have the answer, it isn't always straightforward. Not that I would ever suggest that I did!