By: Sindy
Subject: Confronting thoughts
Keeping on with this sharing/acceptance theme, I often wonder what crossdressing boys and men expected and hoped for etc. Did you grow up believing most women liked crossdressers and never knew it would be an issue? Or did you always know it would one day cause you problems with women?
I ask because I'm curious whether you really, truly understand why many women have a problem with crossdressing. I sort of wonder how you can, if you never discussed it with a mother or sister or someone who might have given some early perspective. I assume it's a bit like how we feel about the dressing - we just don't get why or how it feels to have such a need, and it's highly unlikely we had a discussion with anyone about it either. Many of us didn't know heterosexual crossdressing existed before meeting our husbands.
I guess Katie got me thinking whether I truly understand why I don't like it, and the question that came to me was surprisingly not 'why can't I accept this' but rather 'why should I accept this.' That was quite a confronting thought. I always thought I was cross with myself for being open minded with everyone else yet not with my husband. Yet, looking deeper, I realise I have resentment for him expecting me to accept this when all I can think is, why should I?
I know all the rationalisations - he needs to dress. He can't help it. It's harmless. It makes him happy. He'll be stressed if he doesn't, He's still a man under the clothes. And yet, my gut response to these answers is still 'why should I.' Statistically, crossdressing is rare and I know I wouldn't have any trouble finding a husband who doesn't do it. So I suppose there's this lingering resentment that I have to accept and accommodate something that most men don't do. A bit like drawing the short straw - no one wants to be that person!
See, confronting.
Obviously, this situation is entirely avoidable by not marrying women who feel this way. Problem solved. But for the rest of us who find ourselves here, both husbands and wives, I'm curious how much we really understand the feelings of the other side, and whether this might affect how we react and behave. Do you TRULY understand how a wife might feel about your crossdressing, without being clouded with insecurities and bias? And can we wives ever truly understand the crossdressing need, without being clouded with 'why should I'?
Hmmm....
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Confronting thoughts
Yes, I think that's what I want too.
Reply
Date: 29/03/2017
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Confronting thoughts
And we do too.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Confronting thoughts
Hi Sindy
You really know how to shatter dreams - I thought all sleepovers where just like the one from Grease!
I read an article about acceptance and it defined acceptance as 'acknowledging the reality of a particular situation and recognising that it is not in your power to change it.' which I think that you understand.
It went on to say that 'The only way to alleviate internal angst and achieve a sense of equanimity is through acceptance. It may sound like tolerance, but it isn't'. You accept your husbands need to crossdress it's just this internal angst that you are struggling with.
The article continued 'It's okay to admit that you are working toward acceptance. It's better to acknowledge that you are aware of your struggle for acceptance and are actively working toward it than to say nothing at all.' Again I think that you are trying to work towards this acceptance by the chats we have here.
I do believe that acceptance means that you can have a closer relationship, just as Em has achieved, but it means letting go of those negative thoughts. That is always going to be the tough part and I don't really have any answers but deep down I now that is what you want.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Confronting thoughts
Wow, that adoptive child story is fascinating. Goes to show crossdressing isn't as rare as we think it is!
And honestly, I think I understand my husbands need to dress more than he understands my dislike. I will never forget the shocked look on his face years ago when I told him straight women weren't attracted to other women. Seriously, lol. I think I destroyed one of those great male myths - along with sleep overs and pillow fights haha.
We're doing okay though, I think. I guess we're a but like you and your wife these days, Katie. I don't think either of us wants to bring the subject up again.
And I have a friend with a husband similar to your sisters. He left her a few months back having cleaned out their accounts (gambling) and now he's shacked up with a younger woman. Her and the kids are broken. I do see how my husband is actually one of the good ones. Hence my sadness that I might always have a problem with his dressing.
I have less of one since chatting here though. It's amazing how helpful just chatting with others is. It's keeping me sane! I like all the different viewpoints as well as it gives me pause on my own.
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Confronting thoughts
Henry Ford once said 'Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.'
We can all overcome our fears, prejudices and biases if we truly want to. Nobody should ever say how you should and shouldn't feel about something but if two people have different views it can be divisive - just look at Brexit.
We're all individuals and have been socially conditioned by our past experiences, even though we probably don't realise it. I can remember on evening before bedtime when I was really young that my sister and I swopped out nightclothes. We went downstairs, her in my PJs and me in her nightie. I got into so much trouble and was told to change immediately. I guess from then on I knew that it wasn't right for a boy to dress as a girl which is why I could never share this secret. Who knows how my life would have been if the reaction had been different.
I think most parents are more enlightened these days and so hopefully children won't grow up with so many hang ups. I read an article about a woman whose husband crossdressed (surprise). Anyway she discovered women's clothes in her sons room. Now the interesting fact is that he was their adopted son and had never seen his father crossdressed so there was no hereditary or outside influence that would make him want to crossdress. Her reaction was only supportive.
I think that most mothers would now react the same. They'd love and support there son offering any help they could knowing the difficulties he's likely to face. The love for your children is unconditional, it the love for a husband conditional?
I think that we all change overtime. The person you married is not necessarily the same person in 20 years time. It's something like 42% of marriages end in divorce so I guess that there a lot of short straws being drawn out there! My sister married someone who turned into an alcoholic gambler. All the money they earned went up the wall or on the horses. He couldn't control his addictions no matter what he tried. She stayed in an unhappy marriage for the kids but lost all her respect and love for him. She tried so hard to make it work but in the end it became too much after nearly 20 years. Had she drawn a short straw?
I think we all have annoying habits or things we'd like to change about our partners but we can gloss over them because of everything else they give us. Davina would like his wife to dress up a little more but he's not about to leave because she won't.
Interestingly Em did a positive thing for both herself and her husband. She grew at the same time as him and as her confidence grew so did her acceptance. Maybe her secret is that she boosted her own self-esteem at the same time as taking on the realisation that her husband crossdressed. If her increased self-esteem is linked to his crossdressing then that is a positive connection. His job is to keep her feeling like a sexy, desirable and beautiful woman!
If we look for positive connections then these will grow and strengthen overtime. If we look for negatives then the same will happen. The power of positive thinking is immense.
I don't think we'll ever truly understand how another person feels. We can empathise but we'll never have had the same upbringing or experiences so will never truly understand. Sometimes words can't express how we feel so it is always going to be difficult.
I hope from my posts that it is evident that I do try to understand my wife feelings. I should try because I'm the one bringing the crossdressing to the marriage. Equally if she wants to understand my feelings then she should try and understand my need to crossdress.
I think that crossdressers find it difficult to understand why a wife could accept a son or friend as a crossdresser but not their husband. We try so hard to make up for it in other aspects of our lives. I try my best to be a good father and husband, I try to control the temptations and I think I do a pretty good job. If that's not good enough then at least I tried my best.
I don't think that my wife feels she drew the short straw. I wonder if you made a list of worse things that a husband could do a part from crossdress it'd be a long list. If you made a list of things he could do instead it's probably just say 'not crossdress'.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Confronting thoughts
Actually, Emma, you're the perfect wife to add your thoughts here as you don't have the 'why should I' thoughts. I'd love to know why, and it's got to be more than love as we all love our hubbies. I wish I knew your secret!
I'd also love to hear any other confronting thoughts here. Y'all know you have them. Surely the men here think things about their unaccepting wives, or even their tolerant and accepting wives, that might hurt us to hear but would also be enlightening. The more we know how each other feels, the more we can enjoy each others company without all the dang resentment and worry!