By: Katie

Subject: Fears v Reality

It's interesting to read how a lot of the fears have actually been turned on their head and are now positives.

Both Sarah and Emma's relationships have benefitted from a more open discussion about crossdressing and what it actually means to them and their partners.

In Emma's case in particular and Sarah's too it has helped to benefit their marriages and re-invigorated their lives. Davina too with an open discussion (drunk or not) has also overcome some of the fears.

Looks like I'll need to get rid of the kids for the night, get out the wine and have a good old chat!

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Fears

Good answers Sarah I guess there's two sides to it and you've opened up to your wife. Shows were all different.

Emma fab answers from your other half.

Date: 13/02/2017

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Fears

Awwww!! Emma, your other half is absolutely adorable. What perfect answers! And he's so clearly devoted and into you...what a great relationship you guys have. xx

By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: Fears

I wrote these down on a piece of paper and gave it to him this is his response

1) He's gay – No I’m not not even Bisexual I dress as a woman it does not affect my sexuality I love you Emma and we’ve discovered sex is just as good with me as a man or with me crossdressed (thankyou for experimenting)

2) He's going to transition – Only temporarily when I get the urge or when I’m told to dress up by you but no inclination to remain crossdressed as that’s all it is crossdressing nothing more I don’t want to be a woman I just like occasionally acting like a woman, dressing like a woman but don’t want to be one.

3) He's insane – What do you think Emma am I insane? Maybe insanely in love with you x.

4) He's more attracted to himself – I am attracted to myself when I crossdress but in no way do I think I’m sexier than you that would make me insane see number 3.

5) He will crossdress in public – You made me do this dragging me out in the car!!

6) He fantasies about a 'lesbian' relationship – We’ve kinda got one hehe and it is fun.

7) The dressing will escalate – In what way? I have everything I could ever dream of from initial tears to a wife who tells me to crossdress if she can see I am down or stressed I cannot ask for more from you you are amazing so no there is no where to escalate to.

8) The kids will be traumatised if they find out – Noone needs to know about this part of our private life.

By: Sarah T Girl

Subject: Fears

Answers from me Sarah T Girl sorry I’ve been away for a while but been sorting out marriage and I will put a saucy update here in a few minutes.

I don’t want this to scare any wives or girlfriends off who have come in here for solace and advice but I think I keep it real as its not all a bed of roses and maybe the type of crossdresser I am isn’t the Davina Type but another type a Tarty type.

1) He's gay – I’m not gay but weirdly I am Bisexual (I've had one bi experience during a break up with my wife a temporary split) but only when I’m Sarah and only for T-girls not for men as men if that makes sense?

2) He's going to transition – I dont want to do this I’m happy just crossdressing but do have a bug for going out as Sarah.

3) He's insane – Quite possibly I am a bit mad and full on at times

4) He's more attracted to himself – Bad to say but I am attracted to myself as Sarah and up until recently due to lack of sex and a poor relationship with my wife I’ve got off more as Sarah than I have with my wife and have gone through a period fancying myself as Sarah more than I fancy my wife but things are changing.

5) He will crossdress in public – I have done several times so what and no ones ever said anything I look convincing so why not

6) He fantasies about a 'lesbian' relationship – more than that last night we made this fantasy a reality and it was the kinkiest thing me and my wife have ever done she felt quite empowered domming me

7) The dressing will escalate. - It has escalated to me going out in public and to a t-girl event

8) The kids will be traumatised if they find out – They dont need to find out

How would I approach them – I have approached them and come out the other side by telling my wife as it is following our amicable temporary split which was not to do with me crossdressing.

Sarah

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Fears

Hey Sindy.

Kids aye .....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdpjM3OeLSo

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Fears

Correct Sindy there will be some common biggies related to crossdressing that many wives feel. H

How would we as Crossdressers address them?

1) He's gay - the big obvious one that needs little explanation.

I'm not gay what so ever but chatting to my wife last week about Davina her fears are still someone will find out or I'd have sex as Davina with someone else and pushing her on this bearing in mind we'd had a few drinks I said what do you think I'd do and she said I don't know Suck C*** or something I was a bit flabbergasted but maybe drink brought out the truth in her fears. I have talked to her about maybe going out and her coming with me to see its not lie that I'd not go to places where that sort of thing happens.

How do you explain this and assure it I have no idea if those thoughts still linger in her head about me when I'm crossdressed.

2) He's going to transition - no explanation needed here either!

I am a mere crossdresser even if my life was different and I didn't have a wife and kids I'm a man always will be just love the escapism of crossdressing.

3) He's insane - a wife might associate a need to 'dress up' as a sign of mental illness.

I'm crazy sure but good crazy lol I have a rational mind, a free thinker not easily led a leader of men but I'm not ill in any way because I enjoy crossdressing. How would I solve this if she was worried? Id have councelling might be good to share with a councillor that I crossdress get it off my chest but I've kinda done that in this blog.

4) He's more attracted to himself - another biggie. It's hard not to see your husband adorning himself in all the things he likes on women and not assume he's created a replacement.

I will admit I like how I feel crossdressed I fee sexier than I do as a man and I quite like my reflection as Davina especially my legs but I don't dress for competition with the wife or to replace her tho I do refer to Davina on here as someone else that's just a name I use and easier to refer to myself as an alter ego.

Women need to feel wanted. Crossdressing can make wives feel replaceable and very much unwanted.

I don't want my wife to feel that but there is some part of replacement in the dressing wearing things you wish your wife would wear more often is part of it.

5) He will crossdress in public - another big fear.

Its a fear I get and I mentioned to her the other day about meeting some other tgirls as blokes for a drink or maybe going out and she said ok but she'd had a drink so suspect sober may say something else. Theres nothing to fear apart from being outed which is why dressing would have to be miles from home then theres sex and no I wouldn't have sex... unless she wanted it.. I would rather her be with me if I went out dressed.

Blackpool is a place we've talked about visiting and I know there's a tgirl hotel there Scarletts and I've toyed with that as an idea in my head but not mentioned it yet without research but seems very social.

I can see how she may be embarrassed but you'd have to make the effort to look convincing and act convincing and not draw attention to yourself be confident.

6) He fantasies about a 'lesbian' relationship - wives often suspect their crossdressing partner prefers sex when he's dressed.

I make it no secret i'd love to have sex with my wife as Davina but shes said not gonna happen so have to accept that ... even though it would be hot lol.

I don't see how a wife would be more unattracted to make me after having dressing up sex? maybe every now and then it could be a fun thing a surpise even to find lingerie laid out on the bed and a note saying wear this and we can have some fun tonight.. I'm fantasising now lol

7) The dressing will escalate. If she stays married to a man who crossdresses in private at home, will this mean five years later she's married to a man who crossdresses in public, and five years after that she's married to a man who crossdresses at Xmas dinner?

Nooooo OK I'm discussing dressing out but not in muggle public per say more like a t girl event but it would never escalate to any full time dressing.

8) The kids will be traumatised if they find out -

Which is why we would only do these things away from home or when were guaranteed home alone time like our girls night in which we will have to rethink as the kids get older and may have to do this away from home if at all.

Good post Sindy

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Katie, exactly!!

I think the 'lesbian' fantasy runs so deep for men, not just crossdressers, that bisexual women are always cool. Davina, and my husband, would be in fantasy bliss if us wives were into lesbian sex!! lol. However, bisexual men seem to make these same men feel inexplicably icky (my husband included) and I think maybe it's not much different than the crossdressing itself - fantasy projected onto reality. Crossdressing is essentially the greatest projection of all - a man creating a woman out of himself. So I'm not entirely surprised about this bisexual issue - it fits with the psychology. Crossdressing men LOVE femininity SO DANG MUCH, they literally believe everyone else, including other women, love it, too. This is obviously illogical. Heterosexual women want nothing to do with femininity, they love masculinity SO DANG MUCH, but these men think it anyway. Because yes, humans are weird. And men are weirder than women. See what I did there? :-D

Anyway, women tend to accept bisexual men the same way we accept all other male quirks - we love the WHOLE person. It's especially cool if we like our partners quirks and this is where telling a woman early in the relationship is a good idea. For me, a man revealing he's bisexual would have been fine. Bondage revelation? Not so much. Furry? Um, not sure as I don't know enough about them but seems harmless. Crossdresser? Harmless, but very sexually unattractive. Adult baby? Bighuhe HELL NO! lol. Ultimatelu, my husband would have done us both a favour if he'd been honest at the start. He could have found someone who likes his 'quirk' and I could have found a hot cowboy. :)

The truth simplifies things. I hope some young 'uns read here and take that to heart. They won't need blogs like this if they just tell the truth for the very start. It's worth it to find that one person who wants ALL of you. x

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I don't see why Sindy should be bothered if her husband was bi-sexual anymore than you would be if your wife was bi-sexual.

You thought it would be cool so why shouldn't she think the same?

If your partner cheated on you it shouldn't matter if it was a man or a woman, it's still cheating.

I think it boils down the fact that heterosexual men find it difficult to accept why another man would find another man attractive but they can understand why another woman would find another woman attractive. The same applies to many women but in reverse. They don't see the attraction in femininity, something that Sindy and I'm sure many other wives feel which is why they're in no hurry to jump into bed with a crossdressing husband.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Katie If my wife said she was bisexual I'd ask her why she didn't find Davina attractive lol..

Wouldn't bother me at all if my wife was bisexual id find it quite cool in fact.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Hi Davina

How wuold you feel if our wife said she was bi-sexual? I think that most men wouldn't be bothered.

By: Emma RG

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I'm very ok with the crossdressing but don't think I'd be ok if he was bisexual especially if he was cheating on me.

Didn't expect this outlook from you Sindy

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Yep, definitely prefer he was bisexual and not a crossdresser. But if he was cheating on me with men? I'd feel the same as if my husband was cheating on me with women - very angry lol. I also wouldn't still be married to him.

Bisexuality doesn't make someone more likely to cheat. People cheat or don't cheat whatever their sexuality so it wouldn't bother me. I love masculinity and that's the most important element for me about a sexual partner. Doesn't mean I haven't been able to compromise but crossdressing would never be on my preference list. Rugged cowboy or hot fireman - now those are at the top, lol.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I still find that mad Sindy so if your husband was bisexual but wasn't a crossdresser you'd be ok with that more than crossdressing but what if he was a practising bisexual man?

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Lol, I'm an enigma, aren't I.

But nope, no real issue with a bisexual partner and in fact, a past long term relationship I had before marriage was with a bisexual guy. Really, what's the difference between worrying that a bisexual male partner might ogle other men than worrying a straight male partner might ogle other women? None in my mind. A cheater is a cheater - I don't think preference would alter that.

But, my issue is masculinity. My bi guy was always Mr Masculine and I loved it. My straight husband is not. Hence the reason I find bisexuality easier to live with than crossdressing. That's just me though - your wife is obviously different. Aren't we women tricky to figure out haha.

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Sindy you've shocked me Crossdressing bothers you more than if he were to tell you he's Bisexual??

I'm sure if I offered my wife the choice of me being a Crossdresser or Bisexual she would choose Crossdresser.

By: katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I wasn't so much thinking about my situation but crossdressers in general. I think ouwrpoint goes to prove that those wives who can't get over the negative thoughts are the ones who's marriage will end in divorce.

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

Katie, honestly, I think even the quiet, vaguely tolerant wives do move past the 'freak and pervert' thoughts. They still don't like the dressing, but they're not judging their husband that he does it.

The couple of women I knew who were really struggling to get past this disgust they felt, both separated from their husbands. A third made both their lives miserable by giving him hell about the dressing every minute of the day and if they hadn't tied up their assets together so heavily (business), I'm fairly sure they'd have split, too. So I think the mere act of a wife staying in the marriage and continuing to show love etc, is her letting him know that she doesn't necessarily approve of the behaviour, but she's on his side and she doesn't think he's a freak.

Only a nutter would stay married to someone they had so little respect for. Any crossdressing man would better off without her!

By: Davina

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I don't know what worried me when I told my wife I crossdressed.

I never considered she'd pack up and leave or divorce me more she'd laugh at me but I didn't expect her asking me if I was Gay that was a shock.. I did anticipate she'd ask if I wanted a sex change and knew the answer to that and the Gay one hell no!!

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fears

I'll just add that one of the greatest fears that married crossdressers have is their wife divorcing them.

They're torn between this urge to crossdress and pleasing their wives.

When I talk about the tolerance v acceptance it's the thought that our wives may accept that we're not some freak or pervert that means so much to us.

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fears

The nine most common reason for divorce don't include crossdressing. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/the-nine-most-common-reasons-couples-get-divorce-a6875356.html although some may be as a result of the actions of a crossdresser - spending too much on clothes, sexual libido, conflict, communication and privacy.

I think that the fears are real because they come up again and again on any site you want to visit. I think once addressed the other issues come into play.

If you can navigate those minefields then you're well on your way to a happy marriage. Been married 25 years in November so broken through the 20 yer barrier!

By: Sindy

Subject: Re: Re: Fears

8%. That was the divorce statistic from a substantial survey on the wives. So, positive note - marriages survive crossdressing!

And Katie, I actually love your perplexed tone at some of the questions - like the gay issue. Shows how much women worry about things that have no weight. Ladies, your crossdressing husband is as likely to be gay as your neighbours husband! He might be bisexual though. Is there a higher probability of a crossdresser being bi? It would make sense. How would I feel about that?

Honestly, I'd be fine. One of my best friends is bisexual and when I met her she was in love with a woman. She's now happily married to her male soul mate and has two kids. Bisexual just means no gender preference. It doesn't mean 'I prefer men but I'll marry you anyway.' Gay men want men. Bisexuals want a person, and they can fall in love and COMMIT to either gender. So no, if my husband declared he was bi it wouldn't bother me. I'll admit, the dressing bothers me more!

By: Katie

Subject: Re: Fears

I'll try and address these from my perspective.

1) I'm always a little perplexed about his one. In the majority of instances the crossdressers is a married man with children. He was obviously attracted to his wife and has a sexual relationship so not gay. A better question might be is he bi-sexual.

The fear is that he is crossdressing to attract other men. In some situations this maybe the case but I'm not sure that it would be the best ploy. From what I've read most gay men wouldn't find a man dressed as a woman attractive so you are fishing in a small pond.

There also seems to be a sub-culture of CD on CD action and of course the 'admirers'. For me in every instance I still see men so it's not something I would ever want to do.

I love women and I am attracted to women.

It should be remembered that the trans umbrella is broad but if you look at crossdressers as one small part of it then I understand that as a group we are pretty representative of society as a whole so there will be straight, gay and bi-sexual crossdressers. In fact I seem to remember reading that there is a higher percentage of straight men in the group than society in general. Now I'd always take anything like that with a pinch of salt as we are a secretive bunch.

If I put his one back to you SIndy. I can understand why a woman would fear her husband was gay as it would make everything about her marriage a sham. But if he was bi-sexual would that matter in the same way? So he finds men attractive but he also finds other women attractive, the fact he's stayed with you, married you has to count for something.

2) I think this is where the crossdresser really needs to be honest with himself and how he feels. Personally I have no gender identity crisis. I'm male and happy to stay male. I think that if you knew you were in the wrong body then you should be honest with yourself and your partner. I've thought deeply about this and it can get very confusing especially when people talk about being somewhere on the gender spectrum i.e. Am I 80% male and 20% female etc. I don't get that or even what it means. I like to dress as a woman not because I feel 20% woman but because I enjoy the consequences. I still feel like me whether I'm wearing a dress or not and I don't feel like I'm satisfying 20% of my personality. Maybe other people feel different but I wouldn't achieve anything from transitioning other than thinking I've mad e a huge mistake. I couldn't live my whole life as a woman.

3) Calling it a mental illness implies that there is something wrong with him and that it can be cured. A better term is always mental health and as with any mental health issues they can affect all of us. It's no good telling someone who's depressed to pull themselves together and get over it. Likewise it no good telling a crossdresser to stop as it could end up damaging their mental health. I think it should be looked at as a normal sexual deviation which is how it is no seen. It only becomes a mental health issue if it is uncontrollable and starts affecting the crossdresser and his families life.

4) Do I find myself attractive. No. If you put me dressed up to the nines and stood me next to my wife I know which one I'd pick. No contest. Yes we might 'admire' ourselves in the mirror but equally I'l admire what a good job I've done painting the wall. We all like a bit of self praise but even better when it comes form someone else!

5) I can understand that a wife might not want to be seen with a crossdressing husband. But there is no compulsion for her to be involved. Yes most crossdressers would probably like her to play along but it's not necessary. If the crossdressers wants to go to a big city where nobody know him then that shouldn't be an issue. I can understand that a wife would object if he wants to pop down to the local shops in a dress and high heels. It's the NIMBY syndrome.

6) I guess that we can all fantasise. Does every wife always only think about her husband when they're making love or does her mind wander. I know I always used to think of Margaret Thatcher if I wanted to slow things down! If both parties are happy to get jiggy whilst in sexy lingerie then fine, if not then fine. There are certain things I'd feel uncomfortable doing in the bedroom but it doesn't make us incompatible.

I think that the fear is that crossdressing becomes a fetish. But men are strange creatures and many of them have strange fetishes. If the sole means of getting off is via a fetish then that maybe a problem but crossdressing doesn't have to be a fetish.

7) There is always a lot of debate about setting boundaries. If you have good communication then this shouldn't be a problem. I can only see this being a problem if he's a selfish arsehole and maybe in that instant crossdressing may not be her only problem. Boundaries should be set early on and they can be renegotiated as time goes by by both parties. And we think the UK leaving the EU is going to be tough!

8) I'm always amazed how resilient kids are. I'm sure that they'd sooner be told that Daddy was a crossdresser than that Mummy and Daddy no longer love each other and are going to live apart. I think that having a solid family unit is far more important to the wellbeing of a child than 'problem' of having a crossdressing Dad. Personally I don't think my kids wold have any issues but I'm not about to tell them because they don't need to know.

I think that all of these issue can be explained and everyone is different so some will be more important than others. It's then down to working out a way forward that suits everyone.

I think that you said that the majority of marriages don't break up because of crossdressing. Normally there are other factors involved, as I said, if he's an arsehole then it doesn't make a difference if he crossdresses or not.