By: Sindy
Subject: Escalation
I used to frequent an online support forum for crossdressers wives and got to know some amazing women. It was awesome and their stories were heartbreaking, inspirational and even funny (one lady put itching powder in every new lingerie purchase her husband made that he didn't think she knew about!).
Anyway, this group was re-routed by the creator (an ex CD wife) to another forum because trolls attacked the previous one and most wives left. No one uses the new forum but the creator still posts and this is in her latest:
'The cost we often ultimately pay as CDW down the road is that the condition normally escalates and many marriages have lost intimacy.Forever.'
She used to warn all of us of this escalation on the old forum. The wives back then would remind her she was speaking subjectively (her ex husband was a seriously messed up fetishist type who sprung it on her one drunken night). Though, I do admit the few times I've frequented the crossdressing forums I've noticed a bit of 'egging on' and men appearing to brag about doing more, more, more. Either crossdressing is a progressive 'condition' (her words again) or men make it progressive by pushing their own comfort level.
What does everyone here think? Davina and Katie, do you think it's progressive?
Emma and Hannah and any other wives reading here, do you worry about escalation? I do, but not as much. That forum tried very hard to make me worry. BUT I also had made connections with women whose husbands had been dressing longer than Id been alive and then some! Their husbands had actually lost some interest. It wasn't the big escalation as predicted. I'm sure this happens with the 'Bruce Jenner' types, but do you think your husbands are at risk? I don't think they are, but I'm really worried about most wives out there hearing this toxic information and living an anxious life. Escalation is not inevitable. :(
But I would suggest that any husband who doesn't want to become that selfish guy who does escalate the dressing, avoids crossdressing forums as they encourage competition and bragging. Instead, go to a support group in person where men will have to look you in the eye instead of telling tales on a laptop. There will be far less bragging at a support group! I haven't been to one myself, but the feedback I got from those who had is that the online forums are built on lies.
Anyway, all thoughts appreciated. It's still one of my touchy buttons, this escalation stuff. It's another marital deal breaker. I know it happens, but I can only assume the man who allows it to happen either hasn't fully accepted who he is, or he's a narcissistic git who gets a thrill out of pushing boundaries.
Thoughts?
By: Davina
Subject: Re: Escalation
Tried on tights and slips
Tried on stockings and sexy lingerie and heels
Tried on a dress with the stockings lingerie and heels
Tried makeup with the dress with the stockings lingerie and heels
Bought a wig and wore it with the makeup with the dress with the stockings lingerie and heels and a wow I can look like a woman moment
Only dress if I can dress fully
Told the wife
Dressed home alone
Wife wanted to know I was dressing
Wife met me dressed
Wife and I had a girls night in
Packed Davina in a case when away on business trips and dressed in a hotel
Chatted to a wife of a tgirl on skype as Davina
Yes I'd say there was Escalation but where do I go from here certainly not any further.. I dont really want to go out in public or anything like that so the escalator has stopped..
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Escalation
Hi Sindy
The paragraph reads 'Not all transgender individuals choose to alter their bodies or physically transition from one sex to another. Many will maintain their original anatomy but may present themselves to society as a different gender, often by adopting the dress, hairstyle, mannerisms, or other characteristics typically assigned to a certain gender. It is important to note that people who cross-dress, or wear clothing that is traditionally assigned to the opposite gender—such as transvestites, drag kings, and drag queens—do not necessarily identify as transgender (though some do). People often conflate the term "transvestite" (the practice of dressing and acting in a style or manner traditionally associated with the other sex) with "transgender"; cross-dressing is typically a form of self-expression, entertainment, or personal style, and not necessarily an expression about one's gender identity.'
I'm not sure if it is the same site we're talking about. There are a few GGs who comment but the site is run by CDs. It has a mtf section who's members tend to comment on both sides which can be confusing.
The one thing that I did notice from the site was that the a couple of the late onset dressers (mid-40s) actually progress to living full time as women and one is undergoing hormone therapy. Whilst this may not be significant they both hid their gender identity for many years repressing the feelings and the release has been dramatic. In a little over 2 years from dressing they are now living full-time as a woman and commenting on the mtf side. I think both could be described as transgender. This is probably the fear most wives would have when they find out.
'Pink fog' describes the over indulgence and thinking only about crossdressing, rather like a red mist but far less dangerous apart from to the bank balance!
I don't think non-matching lingerie could be described as a 'blue fog', I think 'slapdash' is a better description lol. Probably better than the dingy greys though! My wife wouldn't go out without matching lingerie when she was younger. Now I don't think she has matching set!
You're right marriage does need to be worked at as it is hard. I've been married 25 year next year so must be doing something right. I know that I still annoy her with little things but it's all about ironing out those problems. It takes time - I still do some of the things that annoyed her when we were first married but she keeps persisting.
By: Sindy
Subject: Re: Re: Escalation
Don't worry about what the ideal husband is, Katie. He doesn't exist lol! I say this because I don't have a single friend who doesn't complain about her husband. Not one. And, in fact, the one friend who kept quiet has just recently left him to live on her own. Crossdressing is not what I wanted but neither are apparently all the other niggles we women seem to have.
Marriage is hard!
And I couldn't seem to get that link to work but I agree the motivation is what matters. Otherwise, every time I've slept in my husbands tee shirt or worn his jacket makes me transgender. That's silly. I usually wear these things because they're available and often more comfortable. No other motivation. But I'm transgender under the current umbrella description.
And funny you mention these matriarchs. I didn't really like or join the most popular site but I'm sure we're talking about the same one, but the little amount I read was filtered by a few very bitchy women who seemed to have a chip on their shoulders and really didn't give me much confidence that being married to a crossdresser was much fun. They just seemed angry!
Not sure why women are running a crossdressing site in the first place. OR why there are more trans than cross dressers. But, not my problem. I look elsewhere now...namely, HERE!
And I found that thing 'the pink fog' sort of intriguing. At first I thought it meant some sort of drug haze haha. I guess it means you over indulge? Funny the names people come up with. I wonder if you also have a 'blue fog' when you can't be bothered dressing? Do I have a blue fog because I can't be bothered matching my lingerie items anymore??? lol
Anyway, always good to get your thoughts. It's as I thought - if you're transgender you might progress. But if it's a bit of fun then you'll find you're favorite fun zone and if the wife approves, you'll stay there. Makes sense.
For any wife reading here, you CAN have a happy relationship with a Davina type crossdresser, with boundaries in place, and it's very unlikely he will progress. So rest a bit easier, okay? x
By: Katie
Subject: Re: Escalation
Hi Sindy
I think the escalation depends on your motivation to crossdress. As we've already established there are many different motivations to crossdress from drag queens to to becoming a full blown trans woman.
If a crossdresser is dressing to reinforce their own gender identity then I think that there might be a progression to a point as they move through their lives. Where they stop will define how they identify themselves. If they identify as 100% woman then I think it is inevitable that they will want to transition all the way for their own sanity!
If, however, a crossdresser dresses for fun, pleasure or any other reason than gender identity then I think that they will achieve a natural balance.
Speaking from my own experience I don't feel or see the need to escalate my dressing to full time. I have reached a point where I am content with the level of dressing I can achieve. To a degree the more opportunity I get the less my desire to crossdress. I could dress more often than I do but as Davina has said previously other things in life can get in the way and sometime you just don't feel like it.
I think that reaching this level acceptance of who I am and what I do has been a long journey and it sometimes doesn't help getting involved in some of the bigger CD sites. As you say if you are confused about what why you crossdress then you can be 'egged on' and follow the wrong path because this is what you think should happen. I spent a lot of time questioning my gender identity - a lot of post are about feeling feminine and how much of a woman you are, where you sit on the gender spectrum etc.
Peer pressure happens on internet forums where the desire to fit in can actually lead you astray. I've noticed that they can be dominated by a number of matriarchs who will post their own agendas and if you don't agree you can quickly feel marginalised. I know of quite a few people (myself included) who stopped posting for this very reason.
I think the confusing exists because crossdressers are put under the transgender umbrella. Whilst this might be true of some crossdressers I don't think it is true of all crossdressers. As I said before it is the motivation to crossdress that should define if you are transgender or not and not the fact that you want to wear the clothes of the opposite gender. The last paragraph here explains it well and was a bit of an aha moment for me. https://www.boundless.com/psychology/textbooks/boundless-psychology-textbook/gender-and-sexuality-15/gender-414/gender-as-a-spectrum-and-transgender-identities-298-12833/
The important thing is that there are boundaries in place. I know that when my wife found out about my crossdressing there was a release and I hit a 'pink fog' period when I spent more money on Katie than ever before. I bought forms, wig, clothes etc. This soon calmed down so there was a progression (buying stuff) but only to a point where I felt comfortable and in control. The level of dressing didn't change just my wardrobe!
I think that the majority of crossdressers would be happy knowing the boundaries and wouldn't want to push them to the detriment of their marriages. It's just finding the right balance that suits everyone.
I know that the ideal is not having a crossdressing husband but I think there are worse things we could do but if it can be accepted then life becomes a lot easier and even normal.